A Letter to Southern Black Women: Please Stop Saying I'm Sorry

Photo by Leighann Blackwood

In 2016, I took a 4-week course called Manifest Your New Year with my best friend, Holistic Life Coach, Andrea C. Stallworth.  This course definitely challenged me beyond the unthinkable.  It allowed me to be me, be vulnerable and open up and share my ideas and overall life experiences.  This course is my inspiration for writing this letter to you, my fellow Southern black woman.

From the time we reach the toddler age we are taught to care for others, be loving and kind.  Growing up we heard “Little girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.” Don't you remember that nursery rhyme?  I sure do.  Being born and raised in Alabama, that's what I lived by.  Because of the perception of southern culture, we are expected to be sweet, nice, and hospitable.  From the time we reach the toddler age range, we are taught to care for others — to be loving and kind. 

Nice and caring traits start at an early age

As young girls, we learn how to function in a domestic capacity like keeping a clean house and cooking a mean meal. Again, with the perception of southern culture, if you’re a southern woman and can’t cook, there is a problem.

This domestic capacity is reflected in the types of toys we played with such as tea party sets, easy bake ovens, and baby dolls. We walked around with baby dolls and pretended to give them bottles and keep them warm with a blanket. The notion of being nice and caring starts early on in our lives, without even realizing it.

Then, on our journey from childhood to womanhood, we spend plenty of time defining who we are.   

Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash

We are living our ancestors’ dreams

While we are trying to figure out who we are, the world we live in portrays the black woman to be less than, weak, inferior, and inadequate. Of course, that’s what they want us to believe. However, the depiction of black womanhood and the role of the woman in general has taken a drastic change throughout the years. 

Today, we are out here fighting for women’s rights and chanting phrases like the future is female and black girls rock. And let’s not forget, many of us are the breadwinners in our household. As we speak, we are experiencing the evolution and resurrection of the southern black woman. Just think about it. We’re out here living our ancestors’ wildest dreams. Many of us are:

• Running our own businesses

• Looking out for our household needs

• Making sure the kids have what they need

• Tending to our garden, growing our own vegetables

• Making time for ourselves

• Traveling the U.S. and abroad

• Getting bachelor’s, master’s, PHDs and certifications

To keep up with these changes that are taking place when it comes to empowerment of the southern black woman, we must shift our mindset on certain levels and how we interact with others. This means watching how we utilize phrases such as “I’m sorry” and being mindful of how these phrases affect our personal lives. 

Those Two Little Words

How many times have you heard the words, I’m sorry?  Maybe you heard it several times from that man that constantly hurts you, but you keep taking him back because of these two little words. 

Better yet, he didn’t say it to you, he acted it out with flowers, a card or a gift. 

Then, something else happens and you’re the one saying I’m sorry in the end when it wasn’t even your fault.  I absolutely despise saying I’m sorry.  Even when I say it, I still hate it.  It sounds conceited and cold hearted to some, but we really need to reevaluate the use of these two words. 

As southern black women, we feel like saying I’m sorry is a way of being nice, kind and showing that we care. Remember, as southern women, we live by the creed, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice. Being nice is one thing, but constantly uttering these words as if they have no effect on you is another.

Instead of walking around saying I’m sorry, what you should say is I apologize. Here are three reasons why:

• It Diminishes Your Value.  Remember the 1993 movie What’s Love Got to Do With It?  There was a specific scene where Tina said, “I’m sorry Ike.”  Then Ike came back and chimed, “Yeah you’re sorry all right.  You’re about the sorriest MFer I ever seen.” 

  If you watch the dynamic of Tina and Ike’s relationship, Tina was exactly what the definition of sorry means.  Sorry is defined as a poor or pitiful state or condition.  She literally was in a poor state emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  She had allowed Ike to have power over her and he knew it.  Just by saying she was sorry, she had diminished her own value and was inferior to him.  Just take this into consideration before you say I’m sorry for not agreeing with someone, when asking a friend for a favor, or being late for brunch.

You know how it goes, “I’m sorry I’m late girl.” Or, “Oh, is your food cold? I’m sorry.”  Seriously ladies, you don’t even have a reason to say I’m sorry, but you end up saying it anyway, just like Tina did.   

• It Affects the Brain.  If you’re saying I’m sorry for every situation, you have no idea what this is doing to your brain.  Saying I’m sorry is a negative thought.  Negative thoughts disrupt the function of the brain and prevent electric signals from passing through your brain.  Basically, it creates a mental block. 

These thoughts prevent your brain from seeing all the goodness around you because it is fixated on that negativity.  All you can think about is how bad you feel and how powerless you are.  The times that you feel bad is when you should take a step back and detox your brain.  Let go of the negative energy by meditating, writing, singing or going for a walk.  Or, do something you enjoy.

You can accomplish so much when you’re free and your mind is at rest.  Tina didn’t become confident in herself until she began chanting and Nam-myoho-renge-kyo’d Ike and his foolishness right on out of the door.  This was the moment where she tapped into a deeper connection with herself and became one with nature and the universe.  As a result, she made a drastic change in her life!

• It accomplishes nothing.  Truth be told, saying I’m sorry accomplishes nothing.  As southern black women, we’ve been conditioned by society to be substandard. We are already on the bottom of the totem pole, so why make a contribution by saying you’re a sorry individual? 

  You know what, no one truly means it when they say I’m sorry anyway.  I’m sorry is said more so out of habit.  This habit is something that I am working on changing myself.  Sometimes those two words are blurted out and I have to catch myself. 

I’m sorry has been said so much that it’s a common household phrase.  It is said without any thought, meaning or true feeling.  It’s a phrase that we’ve become accustomed to saying all the time for any and every little thing. 

How many times do you hear men say “I’m sorry” on a regular basis.

I’ll wait...

We rarely hear men walking around saying I’m sorry.  Men will say I apologize for this or my apologies for that.  I’ve learned that saying I apologize rather than I’m sorry shows a sign of strength.  As black women we are born with strength, we just don’t always use it in the proper way to propel us forward. 

So let’s fall in line with and embrace all of the black woman empowerment taking place right now. Let’s take back our power and be straightforward and bold too. Let’s begin by saying I apologize rather than saying I’m sorry.  And, when we do finally stop saying I’m sorry, the world will take note.   

When the Southern Black woman finally stops saying “I’m sorry,” the world will take note.